Young Bond author Charlie Higson advises 007 to get a Bentley

Young James Bond author Charlie Higson writes in The Times, "Get a Bentley, 007, you only live once".



I have a confession to make. Even though I’ve played a car salesman on TV and am writing a series of James Bond novels I’m not really a car person. I didn’t even take my test until I was well into my thirties. I drive a Ford Focus. There, I’ve said it.

As far as I’m concerned there’s enough to worry about in life without having to worry about your car as well. The Focus is a very stress-free car. I don’t even need to clean it. I live in a fairly typical part of north London, so the Focus is regularly dented, scraped by passers-by and used as a toilet by pigeons. Recently the wing mirror was ripped off and once it was even spray-painted.

None of this really bothers me. The car still goes and goes very well. If I had anything more classy I’d be hiding in the bushes every night with a megaphone shouting “Stand away from the car!” every time someone went near it.

And, as a friend said to me recently, if you have children or dogs it’s not really worth spending more than about £75 on a car. I don’t have a dog, but I do have three young boys.

So, when I was asked by The Sunday Times if I wanted to borrow a £110,000 Bentley for the weekend and live the James Bond lifestyle, I was a little unsure at first. Could I take the stress? What if I crashed it? What if it was stolen? What if the children smeared chocolate all over the walnut interior and stuck Chupa Chups to the leather seats? In the end I said yes. It’s not an offer you get every day, and besides, part of me secretly wanted to know what it feels like to be the sort of person who drives a decent car. And, let’s face it, when it comes to decent cars the Bentley Continental GT must come pretty close to the top of the list.

But why a Bentley? Most people associate Bond with an Aston Martin. Well, in the books he drives a Bentley. First of all it’s a battleship grey 1933 4Å litre convertible, the classic Bentley blower. Even way back in 1953, when the first book appeared, this car was a little old fashioned and, after two more books, Fleming wrote it off (literally) by having a lorryload of newsprint dumped onto it at 100mph.

Bond eventually gets another Bentley, however, and in an early example of “pimp my ride” he customises it. This time it’s a Mk II Continental, the top sawn off and replaced with a convertible hood, and a Mk IV engine fitted under the bonnet with 9.5 compression and an Arnott supercharger, controlled by a magnetic clutch.

No, I don’t know what any of that means either, and as it turns out neither did Fleming. He went to the experts to get his technical advice and luckily Aubrey Forshaw, the head of Pan books, was a real car enthusiast and Fleming simply copied down what he told him.

Us writers are all the same when it comes down to it. Okay, some of us like to give the impression that we have lived the life we write about, but mostly we just sit in a little room somewhere and make it all up, or nick it from someone else of course.

Bond drives an Aston Martin in only one book — Goldfinger — when he’s impersonating a flashy young man about town. Fleming had received a number of complaints from readers about Bond’s choice of wheels, including a member of the Aston Martin owners’ club who wrote asking if he might “have the decency to fit Bond up with a proper bit of machinery. The DB3 coupé is capable of a fair rate of knots and presumably could be fixed up for a bit of high-powered snogging”.

By the time the films were being made, in the Swinging Sixties, they felt Bond should stick with the flashier cars. Talking of snogging, though, the Bentley did make one screen appearance, at the start of From Russia with Love, when Bond is entertaining a young lady in the countryside.

Fleming himself was rather fond of big American cars and he drove a Thunderbird. He managed to write it off, like his hero’s Bentley, but not in quite such spectacular style — Fleming drove into the back of a milk float.


So it had to be a Bentley for this piece and luckily it was the hugely popular GT. They could do a lot worse than have Bond drive one in the next movie.

But I am not Bond. I try to point this out to photographers who ask me to pose in a tuxedo with a plastic gun. I’m just a nerdy writer, for God’s sake. I’ve never driven a sports car before. They scare the hell out of me. And this thing does 200mph. Where could you ever drive it that fast? Having a car that does 200mph is a bit like holding a loaded gun. Sooner or later you’re going to want to shoot someone. Similarly, sooner or later you’re going to want to see if your car really does go that fast. But where would you do it? What road system in the world has a speed limit of 200mph? Maybe there’s some lawless nuthouse in the Middle East somewhere, but that’s not the sort of place you’re going to want to be driving around in a £110,000 car. Unless, of course, you just put your foot down and drive at a steady 200mph from one border to the other so that nobody can jack you.

Suffice it to say I never managed 200mph. In fact I sat in it for about 10 minutes before I even dared start it. Let’s face it, I’m not cut out to be James Bond. Although I am, perhaps, in line with the new approach, as demonstrated by Daniel Craig on his arrival at his first Bond press conference. You may remember he turned up in a powerboat, wearing a life jacket over his tuxedo and gripping onto the sides with white knuckles. That’s my kind of Bond. There are rumours that Q is being replaced in the new movie by H, the man from Health and Safety, and that before each gunfight Bond stops to put on ear protectors.

I knew, though, once I’d pressed the starting button and heard the meaty growl of the engine, that it was going to be fun. Then, as soon as I was on the road my nervousness was forgotten. It was supernaturally easy to drive and very comfortable indeed. I felt safe and cocooned and really rather grown up. And the interior is beautiful — all wood and leather and computer screens. To my horror I found myself actually thinking of getting one. I would have to make a few lifestyle changes, of course, but that was a small sacrifice to make.

The first thing I’d need to do would be to move to the countryside, where I could have a house with a long drive and a secure garage. In order to really make the most of the car, though, I think regular trips to the Continent would be a necessity, so the next step would be to buy a second home in the south of France. Then, to fit in with the other local GT drivers, I’d have to become either an estate agent or a footballer.

I think I’m probably too old to take up soccer, so I guess I’d have to settle for estate agenting, which doesn’t seem to require any qualifications. I would then obviously need to put my kids into a private school so that I wouldn’t stand out in the school car park. At weekends I suppose I’d have to start going to polo matches. Then there would be the problem of fitting the family into the car. No problem. I could sell one, maybe two, of the children. That way I might be able to afford to pay for all this.

But it’s not just the money. You’ve also got to be the sort of bloke who doesn’t care what other people think of them. Because no matter how many people might stare admiringly and salute you in a Bentley, there are many more who are inspired to make obscene gestures and yell obscenities. I got a lot of this, something that never happens in a Focus. But, no, when it comes down to it, buying this car would still be feasible, just so long as I was prepared to move to Cheshire.

VITAL STATISTICS

Model Bentley Continental GT
Engine 5998cc, W12
Power 552bhp @ 6100rpm
Torque 479 lb ft @ 1600rpm
Transmission Six-speed automatic with paddle shift
Fuel 16.5mpg (combined cycle)
CO2 410g/km
Acceleration 0-60mph: 4.7sec
Top speed 198mph
Price £110,000
Rating 4/5
Verdict The perfect car for Q to fit with some Bond gadgets

Thanks to `Moore` for the alert.

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